Formal Apology and a word on feelings - those snarky little bastards

I have not been keeping up. I needed to detox from my computer for a while. 6 hours of online homework a day for an entire semester gets to you after a while. I am truly and deeply sorry to the 2 people that read my blog for my lack of posting. Also, thank you for following me. Love you!

Anyways, the f-word. f...ffe....feelings. There, I said it. My most prevalent thought on this subject is just a resounding, "ugh."

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure feelings are great sometimes, like when you put your hand on the stove. But other than that? I'm really not seeing the benefit.

So, today's lesson... how to keep your feelings in check. You're welcome.

1- Use your head! Seriously. Think about things before you do them. I know a lot of people that I imagine would read this blog if it were more popular are going to be twenty-somethings that "just want to have fun and be able to do stupid things sometimes" and that's fine. But I warned you. Not thinking about things before acting can get you in a world of trouble and hurt.

2- The Golden Rule. This one really helps me out to see more clearly what I am doing without getting feelings all mixed up in it. For those of you who are unaware of the Golden Rule, Here it is:



Okay I just wrote a lot and deleted it all. I blame emotions. ha.

Okay so let me be clear. When I say to not have feelings, I don't mean to be an apathetic jerk. I mean, protect yourself from people planning to take advantage of you. Do not enter into a relationship with someone already in a rleationship. Do not date someone you aren't into for no reason, do not interfere with other people's relationships, and DO NOT let your feelings be the sole ruler of your relationships, (all relationships. from familial to friendship, to romantic)

Make sure that you are living your life for yourself, but not at other people's expense. I don't believe in doing things to purposefully hurt someone, regardless of who they are. Granted this week, I have ended up doing just that, because I didn't follow the rules. I didn't use my head and think. and I didn't consider what it would feel like if someone had done to me what I did. And now I'm flying to california to apologize for being the worst friend ever. (also, I get to see my best friend, so it's a win win, but I plan on doing a lot of groveling before we can hang out)

Kids, just don't let your emotions rule your life, especiallty when you are single. Right now is about you. Trying to figure out where you fit in this world and what role you want to play and what you like and the things that are your deal breakers. Don't get into ruts because of emotional attachment. But don't be a dick either. (It's a fine line to walk. You'll probably fall into one or the other every once in a while, everyone does. That's okay. Just apologize, right your wrong, and move on)

Peace out, home skillets.

Being Single: Lesson #2 - "The Eowyn complex"

Yeah, that was a Lord of the Rings reference. And while we're on the subject, I'm looking for someone who wants to do a LotR extended version trilogy marathon with me. There will be pizza.



I am no man.

I am not a man, I do not need a man, and I will not succumb to the stereotype that if a girl is single and attractive, she must be crazy. I am a kickass, independent, smart, witty badass. I am a woman. And you bet your ass I can do anything a man can do and I can do it ten times better (within reason. I do understand that physically, I have limits. But those limits will not stop me from finding ways to do exactly what needs to be done, by myself)

Okay, let me stop the crypticness and be straight forward.

It is deeply, and intensely important that women (and I suppose men too) become independent before they enter into a relationship. Make sure that if you decide to be with someone, it isn't because you need someone to take care of you, or because you are unable to kill the spiders or change your own tire, or cook your own meals, or do your own laundry.

Learn how to take care of yourself, because -- it doesn't matter who you are with, it doesn't matter if you have vowed to love one another for eternity, it doesn't matter if that person tells you every day that they would die without you -- there is absolutely zero guarantee that they will be around tomorrow, next week, or next year. They could leave you, they could die. A mariad of things could affect the togetherness of you and that person. So make sure that if the unfortunate event comes where you are no longer with him/her, you aren't going to crumple up on the ground like fracking Bella Swan and become utterly useless for months or longer. You have a life to lead, you have shit to do, and someone not being there anymore isn't going to keep the world from turning.

If you decide to be with someone, it should be because you enjoy their company, you never tire of their face, goosebumps overcome you when their fingers graze your waist. You should be partners in your relationship. It should be symbiotic at the least. That person should merely enhance you and your life, not define it.

This is why I'm holding out. I am remembering how to be completely independent. It has been a while since I changed my own oil. I think I'm going to do that. I decided to fix my daughters chair (that admittedly, I broke) instead of just buy a new one or ask someone to do it for me.

Being Single: Lesson #1 - Just Call Me a Player Then

This is, i believe, the most important of the lessons I have learned in this short time of being single. and it's a pretty simple one.

If someone makes a move on you and you aren't feeling it, you do NOT have to engage, reciprocate, or endulge them.

Now, I know this is a seemingly obvious one. However, I know there are people out there (like me) that are "people pleasers". I am so afraid of being called a tease, of disapointing a person I generally like as a friend, that I have entered into relationships (and for the sake of the argument, I define relationship as intimate time together. This may be one night, it may be 7 years) even when I wasn't really that excited for or convinced that I want to be in that relationship.

I'm sometimes not so good with my words, so I'm going to do my best to explain to you a huge gaping problem in relations between girls and guys without someone accusing me of being a man-hater. And I will do so via a story of personal experience.

Recently, in one of my classes, a man boy douchebag hit on me, made it apparent that he was interested in me. He was nice, sarcastic, (something I can appreciate, as I am also sarcastic) smart, and not a complete eye sore. He wasn't really the body type that I am attracted to, so I never really had that immediate physical attraction to him. Still, he was nice, so I talked to him, joked with him, and as he would flirt, I would respond in a friendly manner, while still being clear that I was not interested. He often stood too close to me and I would ask him to back up, he made comments about his physique and I made it clear that I wasn't attracted to it, however, we still talked. He offered to give me a ride to my car so I didn't have to take the bus a few times, (maybe 4 or 5) and we studied together twice once (that first time we ended up just eating).

The second time we got together to study, I had flirted with him by that time. I had told him that I could see myself liking him eventually because he was nice to me and smart. However, I had literally just ended a previous relationship two days prior and in no way was ready to move on. 

This man/boy "made a move" on me. And I use that terminology loosely. He did so in a submissive way, waiting for me to make a move, which weirds me out personally because I prefer a man that is more decisive and actually makes a move, not one that just opens the door to opportunity and just wait for me to walk into him. Basically, I got a really bad gut feeling and decided I should leave, so I did. He was upset about this, though he told me he wasn't at first.

Later, (like, 2 days later) he proceeded to send me 43 text messages degrading me in every way possible because I didn't want to kiss him. Apparently, I was "playing games" with him. and then, somewhere in the middle, the truth came out. He was nice to me, took me to my car and studied with me, and since I accepted his kind gestures and talked to him on a regular basis, it was somehow EXPECTED  that I kissed/screwed around with/had sex with him. I only stopped recieving text messages because I blocked his number. Granted, his opinion of me doesn't matter, still the things he was saying were hurtful, and I didn't need to subject myself to anymore bullshit from him.

Ladies, let me stress to you. you do not owe anyone ANYTHING that you are uncomfortable giving to them. 

I unfortunately just figured this out. And I'm glad I did when I did, or else I would have ended up feeling obligated to sleep with a complete and utter psychopath with the maturity of a child. A bully.

That all being said, I think it was a wonderful way to begin my single life, because it was a great way to force me to accept that I can choose. I have my pick of people I could be with and I can be picky. I don't have to settle for any guy that makes me feel special for 5 minutes. I can and will wait for someone that is everything I'm looking for. which reminds me of another life lesson... which I will get to later (i need to learn moderation)

Prequel

I met a boy around the age of 15, it took him a year to ask me out, but he did eventually, and naturally, we got married 2 years later.

Oh I skipped some stuff didn't I... well, none of the in between matters. None of my past really matters other than what I'm going to tell you now.

We got married, lived apart for about 2 years because of school and military not agreeing on where we should live. After we started living together...things went downhill. He was, to me at least, not good. My life was controlled by him. I was unhappy but felt stuck because, shortly after we began living together, after being married for 2 years, I became pregnant. (If you are keeping count, I was 20)

Now, just about 3 years after I found out I was expecting, I am a single mom.

Between then and now I had a volitile relationship with a man that didn't love me, got divorced, and started dating another man that was sweet and caring, but had a lot of growing up to do and often times felt like he had to control me to keep me with him. I was not in a place where I could help him learn to trust me, I needed someone that already did. That man and I started dating before I was officially divorced, and I the relationship ended just a few weeks ago.

This is the first time since I was 16 that I have belonged to NO MAN. 

I am free. I can talk to whomever I please, I can flirt, I can go out, I can become a hermit and never leave the house again. I can have a relationship with my daughter akin to Lorelai and Rory from Gilmore Girls. We can move to a little town and share clothes and snap quick witticisms at one another whenever we are stressed. I can do that if I so choose.

I don't have to ask for permission to buy something, I don't have to get the opinion of someone else if I want to paint all the walls different colors (thought that's just a terrible idea, I've seen it done. it's not pretty. but it's the principle of the matter)

Anyways, this is the journey of a 23 year old woman, taking back her life not only for the sake of her daughter, but for her own.